6 Steps to Saner Holidays: Better Boundary Boosters

Several weeks ago, a client of mine asked a million dollar question:

“How do I set boundaries without being a jerk and in a way that’s aligned with my values?”

Oh girl. I feel you. Boy do I feel you! 

This is such an important question, especially during this time of year. With sometimes competing demands from friends and family - plus the pull to indulge in all the things you can eat, drink, buy and consume - creating and maintaining healthy boundaries during the pressure of the holidays isn’t easy. 

But it can be done with a little practice, a whole lot of patience and a dollop of self-compassion. This is one place where perfectionism isn’t helpful so see if you can drop that tool in favor of a spirit of greater creativity and exploration.

Here are 6 Steps to Saner Holidays: Better Boundary Boosters 

1. Get Quiet and Meditate for Ten Minutes

This does not have to be complicated. 

A ten minute meditation where you close your eyes and turn off your phone is great. If you’ve been practicing meditation for a while (and see this post for some motivation about the benefits of meditation), you might visualize a boundary of golden light around you, or focus on heart-centered qualities such as equanimity or lovingkindness. If grounding is what you need, some gentle mindful yoga asana can be helpful.

The point is to keep it simple and to drop into presence as best you can. 

2. Take Some Time to Review Holidays Past

Now that you’re a bit more present, it’s time to look clearly at the past. 

Take some time to review holidays past and give yourself a chance to reflect. 

Where did you go? What did you do? Who was there? And who wasn’t? What did you spend? Eat? Drink? Consume? Regret?

While this review might bring up some emotion, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Indeed, our ability to experience joy, delight and wonder is directly related to our ability to feel all our feelings. So if you want those feelings, you can begin now to practice accepting the less comfortable ones, such as grief, sadness, hurt, and pain. Getting some support, from a therapist, coach or weekly group with accountability can be incredibly helpful, too. 

3. Identify What You Loved (and Didn’t) in Previous Years

Next it’s time to identify what you want to consciously co-create this holiday season. 

A great way to do that is to use a timer for 5 or 10 minutes and write down all the things you loved doing in previous holiday seasons. Similarly, take a few minutes to write down the stuff you hated. 

Did you love that time you spent with your college buddy attending Christmas mass at Il Duomo in Milan? Or was it the family gathering at your Uncle Leon’s house with your quirky (to put it mildly) relatives? Maybe it was putting up holiday lights and watching goofy rom coms in your PJs with your honey? Or baking your mother’s traditional holiday spanakopita to pay homage to the good times you shared with her when she was alive?

Also get clear on the stuff you didn’t like, or that perhaps no longer serves you.


Did you spend way too much money on gifts that harmed you financially when January rolled around? Or maybe you ate way too many sugary treats and felt physically horrible? Perhaps you travelled far away to visit folks and promised yourself you’d never do that holiday travel thing again? Or did you feel too exhausted in the New Year and wish you had just laid low and given yourself time to rest? 

Whatever it is, getting it out of your head and onto paper can be enormously clarifying. 

4. Next, Schedule the Activities You Love 

Now that you’re clear on the stuff you loved during holidays past, the fun part begins. 

Get out your calendar and start getting organized to do the things that nurture you. Do you need a few hours to hang lights? Block that time out. Craving a silent retreat to do something more meaningful for the New Year? Get on the website of that Buddhist monastery nearby and check out what’s available. Want to volunteer at the local food bank? Check out what their needs are that match your availability. 

The point is to be super clear and intentional with how you want to spend your precious time and other resources first, and not just falling into the path of least resistance. 

5. Pay Attention to the Pull of the Past and Communicate Clearly To Loved Ones Using “I” Language

The holidays can often pull us back in time.

Unmet expectations, grief, loved ones who are no longer with us, traumatic moments from childhood that were never processed (or acknowledged) and the ridiculously absurd pressure to have the “perfect” everything can be toxic. It can be easy to fall into childhood patterns of behavior, as well as codependency when we look to things outside of ourselves to feel ok.

One of the best antidotes to falling into old patterns is to practice using “I language” when communicating our needs to friends and family around the holidays. 

Maybe that sounds like, “I’d love to spend time with you this year but I really need to take care of my health and won’t be coming to the Cookie-Palooza this time. Could we meet up for a walk in the park instead? 

Or:

“I’m really focusing on getting my financial house in order and won’t be able to come visit for 5 days and bring gifts for everyone this year. But I’d really love to spend some time with you and to come sometime in March when fares are lower. Does that work for you?”

6. Take a moment to celebrate starting right now

Now that you’ve taken the time to get clear on what you want (and don’t want) this holiday season, take a moment to celebrate your accomplishment. Even if it feels awkward, it’s important to take time to appreciate the emotional and physiological states you want to cultivate in your life. This is an important somatic experience that can help you create more resilience over time.

If there’s anything the holidays can do for us, it’s to help us reflect on what truly matters and to create the space, time and opportunity to co-create experiences that we genuinely desire.

Try these 6 steps (with pen and paper) and explore how better boundaries - with yourself and others - might be just the booster you need this holiday season.

Three Tips for Coping with Transition Fatigue (Yet Again!)

Ever feel like there is way too much change going on in your life or the world? Like just when you get used to one big tsunami there’s another wave of transition coming right at you?

If you’ve been alive in 2021 in the U.S. certainly, you may be feeling this unending sense of anxiety and dread.

“What? Now we’re back to wearing masks again? They want us to come back to the office? I was just getting used to this working at home thing and I’m supposed to do what now? After all the juggling I just did, now I’ve got to maneuver it all around again? When the hell are things ever gonna just go back to normal?!?!”

I know plenty of folks who are making themselves sick and stressed because of the transition fatigue and overwhelm. They don’t have the right tools and information about how we work as human beings and they are burning out. 

Great news. It doesn’t have to be that way!

As someone who has adapted to and created a lot of change in my life, and who helps others do the same, trust me when I say this: not only can you ride out this phase of transition in your life, but you can learn the tools, skills and practices to help you be with change in a way that doesn’t make you overly stressed and sick in the coming weeks, months and years to come. 

‘Cuz guess what, dear one?

Change is here, it’s inevitable and it can be a really good thing. 

In this blog post, you’ll learn 3 things you can begin with right now to help you cope with transition fatigue and overwhelm.

1. Find ground

Remember old-fashioned cartoons? 

Where everything in the entire frame - the background, the farmhouse, the lake - is perfectly still except for Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck running around? When you watched that as a kid, you probably marveled at it and didn’t even notice that 95% of the screen wasn’t moving at all. 

That’s because we are wired to track changes and notice what is moving in our environment and visual field. When these changes happen at a pace our nervous systems can process, or within our window of tolerance, we are usually ok. 

But what happens when there are so many changes going on in your life and you don’t have the opportunity to process, assimilate and integrate them?  

That can be incredibly destabilizing and overwhelming. 

In fact, too many changes without enough stability can feel like chaos, and from a biological perspective that’s unequivocally true. 

(Plus they — even changes we like or have worked hard for - be terribly exhausting energetically, like a tax on the nervous system. So if that’s you, read on).

Trauma (or traumatic stress) can be defined as anything that overwhelms us and leaves us feeling helpless, hopeless or unable to respond. (Click here for a much more detailed explanation for understanding trauma). Too many changes in too short a period of time can qualify. If, for example, you experienced a job change, a significant change in health, the death of a beloved pet and a global pandemic in the span of a year or two like a beloved client of mine - in addition to all the regular life stressors like paying your bills, having relationships and taking care of your mental health - you shouldn’t be surprised to find yourself feeling overwhelmed. If you’ve had stressful situations growing up, you can multiply that impact by many fold.

So what can you do?

EXERCISE: Focus on what’s stable, unchanging and consistent right here, right now. 

For example, you could take a few moments to note everything that is grounding or solid for you right now. Maybe you can feel your bones, your heart beating or your breath - all elements that have been with you consistently since you were born. You could also bring your awareness to the chair, sofa or bed you are in right now, the ground beneath you, the stars and the moon in the sky above, or the predictable way your cat jumps on your lap the minute you try to get on a Zoom call. My private and group coaching clients know what a fan I am of also having daily and weekly self-care non-negotiables (something we talk about a lot) as the consistent elements in cultivating resilience. 

(Note: If you travel a lot or have an unpredictable work schedule, it’s even more important for you to take the time to get clarity on your daily non-negotiables, to communicate them when necessary to family and colleagues and to protect them fiercely. Mine include meditation, three meals a day, prayer, yoga, adequate sleep and connecting with my support system).

Now doing so won't necessarily affect the changes that are happening in your life. But it can very likely give you the shift in perspective that reminds you of all that you can count and rely on in this very moment. Even if you’ve had lots of disappointments or trying challenges in your life - as many of us have - by bringing your awareness to what is stable, unchanging and consistent right now, you’re giving yourself (and your resilient nervous system) a chance to recalibrate. 

2. Notice positive changes

Having lived in Europe for a good part of my life, I’ve always found it odd that Americans in general (warning: huge sweeping overgeneralization ahead!) are incredibly reluctant to talk about class and financial privilege. People are more likely to talk about their sex life than they are class and how it affects every area of our lives, including our mental health, relationships and well-being. 

But recently, I’ve noticed more conversations and discussions about class in mainstream audiences. When millions of people are strangled by student loan debt, often into the hundreds of thousands of dollars for people who are in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, it makes sense that more people are willing to talk about the implications of student loan debt on class mobility, status and the increasingly elusive dream of a middle class life.

That, in my opinion, is a very, very positive change in our culture. 

And that’s the second strategy I’d like to suggest you explore when you’re feeling overwhelmed by change: notice what has changed for the better in your life, community and the world around you because I promise you there is a lot.

EXERCISE: Identify and focus on positive changes

One simple way to do this is to set a timer for 5 minutes. When the timer goes off, you start writing a list (bullet points are fine) of all the things that are better today for you than they were at some point in the past. Maybe you don’t have a 3 hour commute into the city for work or you’re finally able to walk after a devastating accident that left you nearly paralyzed. Or maybe you got a new lovable little critter during the pandemic that greets you when you come home. Or maybe your arms are finally strong enough so you can do bakasana (crow pose) or date online without your self-esteem being dragged into the mud with every dud. 

Broaden it out if you like and focus on changes in your community or the world that are in a positive direction. Like the greater participation of women in the workforce or greater equity, diversity and inclusion in some environments. (Or the fact that most Americans with access to clean drinking water, electricity and health care live better than Louis XIV did when he was King of France!).

It’s important to keep in mind that, even while changes are happening that feel terribly uncomfortable - or are even devastating and incomplete in some cases - good can often come from them with your intention and attention. For example, maybe you were in a toxic and abusive relationship and made a commitment never again to date someone who isn’t self-aware and willing to do the work. While it might not have been fun getting there, your new and improved sense of self-esteem is a huge win. Taking stock of these wins regularly by training your mind to notice and savor them (click HERE for more on understanding the mind and the brain for non-neuroscientists) can be hugely beneficial and will serve you greatly.

3. Seek spiritual inspiration 

Because of the negativity bias we all have as part of our survival make-up, it takes conscious, consistent effort to focus on things that inspire us and give us hope. That might be in the religion of your childhood, yoga, recovery or any other type of grounded, embodied spirituality that lifts you up. 

The important things spirituality can offer us are both, (1) an understanding and acceptance of the impermanence of all phenomena and (2) a way of being reasonably comfortable with uncertainty (for more ideas about understanding your spirit, check this out). 

EXERCISE: Get plugged in spiritually 

Perhaps that means you spend some time reconnecting with the faith of your childhood, reading spiritual or inspiring books (like Peace from Anxiety from my teacher Hala Khouri), listening to podcasts, joining a faith community or a group that lets you see others making positive, inspiring changes in their lives. If resources are tight, recovery communities offer hope and inspiration to millions of people looking to live better lives free of addictive patterns (remember, addiction isn’t necessarily drugs or alcohol, but can be any pleasurable behavior -- scrolling social media, porn, shopping, food, exercise, overworking, etc -- that persists despite adverse consequences). For some people, going for a hike in nature might give you perspective. For others, being part of a social justice movement - a positive, life-affirming sense of belonging to something greater than yourself  - can be hugely beneficial. 

Now that you have some ideas for coping with transition fatigue and overwhelm, what comes next?

You might be thinking: 

Ok I get these strategies, they seem useful. But how do I do this in my real life?

This is precisely what folks in the Mastering Resilience Group Coaching Program do each week. There’s a lot of nuance to applying these strategies and tips in your life in ways that you can engage with consistently. Support is required for you to try different things on. And then there’s the importance of loving accountability, when you make and keep different commitments to your self-care in a compassionate, authentic group setting. 

Want to try it out?

Check out the upcoming Community Support Call: Tools for Coping with Transition Fatigue (Yet again!) on Tuesday, August 31st from 10-11:30 am Pacific. For more details and to register for this FREE call, click HERE. 

The bottom line?

Change is an inevitable part of life, as cliche as that sounds. 

The good news is that by implementing these strategies you can begin to cultivate a more-balanced and easeful relationship with it. Change might never be your favorite thing (after all we are creatures of habit, routine and ritual) but at least you can begin to move out of the stress of resistance and overwhelm.

And that is something to celebrate!

Join the upcoming Community Support Call: Tools for Coping with Transition Fatigue (Yet again!) on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021 from 10-11:30 am Pacific. The call is FREE to join but you must REGISTER HERE to attend.

Sex, Lies & Meditation

I have a confession to make: my most important relationship started with a breakup.

You see, my love affair with meditation began way back in 2005, years before Instagram was even a thing.

Since then I’ve spent far more time with my breath than with any other living being. Today we have a solid thing - we spend time together daily. A long-term commitment that I can no more imagine being without than I could living without books, hot baths or decaf oatmilk lattes. 

But it wasn’t always this way. 

In fact, my liaison with meditation started a lot like many of my previous romantic relationships: with high hopes, and a tremulous fear that this, too, might not work out. 

Plus, it was never my plan. 

One minute I was getting dumped by text by a dark, duplicitous and handsome Greek engineer while I sadly sat in my VW in front of his four-story apartment building. The next I was sprawled on my best friend’s oatmeal-colored couch for a full week of Friends reruns, home-cooked meals and more ugly cries than most people have in a lifetime. 

But after that, I ate a big, fat, juicy reality sandwich, the likes of which I’d never yet tasted. It was a meal so nourishing, satisfying and unexpected that it has continued to nurture me nearly two decades later. It was the kind of reality sandwich that had the flavor of accountability, the sauce of compassion and a juicy patty of self-responsibility. 

Rather than getting back on the dating horse which had previously been my M.O., I was finally able to taste the truth that it wasn’t that guy or the one before that (or the one before that, sigh) that was the problem. 

The problem was me.

And if the problem was me, it was as clear as daylight on the Aegean in the middle of the summer, that the solution must be me, too. 

I dialed up the 14.4 mbps internet connection, searched “stress, “depression” and “anxiety” and up popped the answer: 

Meditation.

With nothing to lose, and a whole lot of willingness-fueling desperation, I found my way to the meditation center in downtown Athens. It was in a drab building from the 1970s behind the touristy restaurants filled with rosy faced Britons drinking beers and Greek salad just back from holiday in Rhodes and tiny shops crammed with everything from calendars with the cats of Santorini to pre-wrapped boxes of baklava ready to be shoved into suitcases for folks heading back to New Jersey. 

The center was small, no more than a single room actually. There was a large golden Buddha statue in the back of the room, plus a number of cushions and chairs. A young guy with light brown hair welcomed me. I suspiciously eyed the donation jar ready for them to sink their hooks into me. My stomach was clenched. Thoughts were spinning in my head like the tornado in the Wizard of Oz. It felt as if my skin was translucent and everyone could see right into me.

“Oh geez. Here we go again with the religion and money thing,” I muttered to myself rolling my eyes in my head.

But I was desperate and had already made the trek across town in a very packed Athens-bus so I figured I should stay. 

The warmth in the space tasted like generosity. Not saccharine and fake in a cloying Hostess Twinkies sort of way. But kind, open, inclusive. It was … different. But also oddly natural. More like orange-blossom honey atop Greek yogurt with walnuts on a warm summer afternoon.

Then the teacher showed up. As luck would have it, he was tall, dark and handsome, with clean cut hair and a natty light blue cashmere sweater. Kostas was his name. Later I would find out he was a professional artist and unattached. 

“AHA!,” I thought … “maybe there is something to this meditation thing …” 

After some small talk, when the time came for the main event, we stood up while he took the few symbolic steps in the small room and got up on the teaching seat. A small table was next to him with a photograph of an old Tibetan monk in a yellow and saffron-colored robe and a glass of water. There was a small bunch of fresh pink, white and red flowers, too. 

I was in so much pain that day, I’ll never know exactly what he said. 

Three Reasons Why I Keep Meditating 

But there were three things that intrigued me enough for me to want to go back. 

First, he talked about attachment (and aversion) as the source of all suffering, and that mindfulness and other forms of meditation could help with that. Images came flooding at me of things I was obsessed with: the engineer with the dark eyebrows, coffee ice cream, chocolate, my body image, my mother on the West Coast, finally getting my hair under control, figuring out why I often felt like a space alien who didn’t belong here. Each of these situations was one where attachment had led to great pain. I had no interest in Buddhism, meditation or being some spiritually enlightened master. But I was in searing pain, and these words were medicine. 

The second thing I heard the teacher say got right to the heart of my New Jersey skepticism: 

“Don’t take my word for it. Try these teachings out for yourself. Accept nothing on faith alone, regardless of who tells you. Verify it with your own experience, or you must reject any teaching.” 

As a child of the 80s, growing up constantly thinking about the possibility of global thermonuclear conflict during the height of the Cold War, I’d been raised on Reagan’s words of admonition when negotiating disarmament treaties with the Soviets: 

“Trust, but verify”. 

Rather than telling me to believe and have faith in what I was hearing, I was told to check it out myself and do my own experimenting. This was a spiritual path I might be able to do business with. When other spiritual and religious paths had told me to have faith and believe - and all I could see was evidence of war, poverty, misogyny, and greed (in their names) here was someone who told me I needed no belief at all. He was speaking my language. 

Third, when I closed my eyes and tried to meditate, I felt better. 

Yes, my head was spinning with thoughts like a gang of whirling dervishes drunk on cheap red wine. No, of course I couldn’t control or empty my mind like I thought I was supposed to be able to do. And, yes, sometimes all I did was close my eyes and think about the guy with the dreadlocks and glasses that came to class and smelled like cat pee. 

But even that very first time I sat with my breath, something began to change. I felt a little less anxious, a tiny bit more at peace. For those few precious moments of practice, I could begin to get a break from the incessant mind chatter that followed me as faithfully as my shadow. 

Once again, I fell in love. 

And that’s why I keep practicing today. Because beyond all the many health, psychological, spiritual and mental benefits, I do it because I love meditation like a lover I can’t wait to be with, wrap around my arms and smother with wet kisses. 

Definition of Mindfulness 

But what exactly is mindfulness anyway?

Right mindfulness is one of the elements on the eight-fold path to liberation taught by the historical Buddha 2500 years ago. 

One of my favorite secular definitions is from Jon-Kabat Zinn, the founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center, who says that mindfulness is “paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment without judgment”. If you are reading this blog post and can feel your body or breath, too, then it is likely that you are practicing mindfulness. Hooray!  If you’re reading it thinking about the conversation from your doctor that you need to cut out gluten, that you need a lawyer or have to get a birthday card for your colleague next week, you might not be. 

Until, that is, you realize you are no longer present and come right back to what is here, in this very moment, right now. And you notice it without judging it as good or bad, but just as what is happening because it is already right here. 

Benefits of Mindfulness Meditation

Let me say straight off that you don’t have to fall in love with meditation (or even like it much to begin with frankly) to receive some of its many benefits. 

Mindfulness and meditation are invaluable allies in our quest for self-awareness which is incredibly important for mastering resilience to stress, anxiety and trauma. After all, if we understand ourselves better, we can begin to relate to ourselves in a much friendlier way, with compassion and empathy, rather than shame, blame and self-hatred. What begins on our insides can then begin to have a more positive impact on those around us whether at home, work or play. 

According to Spirit Rock Meditation Center, we meditate in order to:

• Obtain quiet or inner peace

• Have a respite from the pace of daily life

• Collect and unify the mind

• Clear the mind of emotional turmoil

• Feel and experience the truth of “the way things are” for yourself

• Learn loving-kindness and compassion for yourself and others

• Understand and learn how to practice forgiveness

Resources, Teachers … And a Caveat About Trauma 

There are tons of great books, apps and audios on mindfulness and meditation out there that can help you get started. But by far the most beneficial way is to work with a qualified, ethical meditation teacher. This is particularly important if you’ve experienced severe trauma, as meditation can sometimes bring up challenging material. I almost hesitate to offer resources because it is so important to work with a teacher who knows you and can help guide you progress on the path safely, ideally one that is trauma-informed. In my years of teaching to both Buddhist and non-Buddhist mainstream audiences, I’ve had countless people tell me they meditated with an app but didn’t stick with it or that it didn’t help. Even worse are the stories of folks — even long practicing meditation teachers — who go on extended meditation retreats without letting their own teacher know of a potential trauma history.

This is why I counsel anyone who comes within 6 feet of me to work with a well-trained meditation teacher if you’re serious about developing a meditation practice.

Nevertheless, I offer here a few of my favorite resources to help you get started until you can find a teacher: 

• Full Catastrophe Living 

• Insight Timer 

• (AUDIO) Basic Mindfulness Meditation 

• Local meditation classes

• (AUDIO) 10 minute Body Scan Meditation 

• Meditation and social justice  

• Introduction to Insight Meditation and Mindfulness   

The Bottom Line About Meditation? 

Like any relationship, the more time you spend cherishing, savoring, and honoring the practice of meditation, the more you’ll find you want to be with your beloved. After all you wouldn’t ghost someone want to cultivate a relationship, would you?

While you don’t have to fall in love with it the way I have, I can promise you that I have never, ever regretted spending time in meditation.

Remember, you don’t have to make a life-long commitment on the first date. Just dip a toe in the water and see what happens.

You deserve it.

Want to learn to meditate and (so much) more in a supportive small Group setting? Check out the Mastering Resilience Group Coaching Program here.

Understanding Your Spirit (Part III)

When I lived in Greece, depression would creep into my psyche like a dark, mangy dog that would hang around for days and weeks at a time. Whatever was going on in my life - work problems, relationship issues, the existential despair of being human - was the stuff this dog would gnaw on and carry around like a bone wherever I went.

It was relentless.

Sometimes I’d feel so desperate and out of sorts that I’d get in my silver VW on a random Wednesday afternoon when I should have been doing something productive, drive an hour along the Athenian coast and go to sit at the Temple of Poseidon at Sounion on the water.

Legend has it that Cape Sounion is where Aegeus, king of Athens, jumped off of the cliff in utter heartbreak upon learning of his son, Theseus’, supposed death. Theseus was returning from the island of Crete where he set out to vanquish the Minotaur, the infamous half man-half bull. They had agreed that if Theseus survived his journey he would fly a white sail on his mast. Tragically, he forgot to hoist the white sail rounding Cape Sounion, instead flying a black sail giving the signal that he hadn’t survived. Upon seeing this, the bereft king is said to have leapt to his death in the sea below, which was to take his name as the Aegean Sea.

You can see why I was inspired to go there when dark thoughts like clouds would cover my mind.

Inevitably, after sitting there for an hour or two and watching the sun and sea and gleaming white ancient monuments, though, I’d oddly feel better. Being in a spot that had more than 2500 years of human history embedded in it always seemed to put my problems into perspective. Sure I felt crappy for a few days or weeks. But my difficulties seemed to pale in insignificance when I reflected on how impermanent my little human predicament was. 

The story of the Greek king plunging to his death also would remind me of how uncertain life is for all of us. One morning Aegeus was on top of the world, admired, respected and envied by all in his kingdom. The next day, racked with grief at the death of his beloved son, he was a speck in the sea, gone forever to live on by name only. 

Poof.

Finished. 

Kaput.

Oddly enough, reflecting on these facts, of the impermanence of everything and the uncertainty of life for all of us, was comforting. In many ways, those dark times became the seeds of my own burgeoning spirituality. 

In my private practice, I see folks who are interested in mastering resilience to stress, anxiety and trauma to have a more meaningful impact in the world. To do so, I help them understand how the mind and brain works. We also learn about the body and how trauma shows up in it. These are both essential, in my experience. 

But it’s also incredibly important to have an understanding of what a vital, embodied spiritual connection can do to help you master resilience. This isn’t necessarily about religion or even ritual - although they can both be important elements of spirituality. Rather, it’s about having a conceptual framework for living your life that can guide, sustain and nourish you when the sh*t hits the fan, as it inevitably will.

If you have been ignoring consciously tending to your spirit, think about it this way: if you got into your car and saw the tires were two-thirds full, would you wonder why getting anywhere would be exhausting, slow and precarious at best? Of course not. You’d fill ‘em up and get on down the road. 

From my perspective, any sincere, embodied spiritual pursuit can be helpful here: organized religion (Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Taoism, Judaism, etc), yoga, 12 step recovery, creative expression, indigenous healing practices such as plant medicines, engaged activism and many, many others. 

What matters most for you to deal with stress, anxiety and trauma is that your flavor of spirituality:

• Offers you hope

• Helps you connect with something benevolent that is greater than yourself, and

• Is something you can connect with regularly 

If your get up and go has gotten up and gone, read on, dear one. This blog post might be the missing arrow in your quiver of tools that you don’t want to be without. 

Anxious? Stuck? Feeling Empty? Spirituality Can Help You Cope with the Uncertainty of Life

Mireille came to one of my classes at the world-renowned Golden Door spa and wanted to work with me privately. Although her life looked marvelous on paper - several gorgeous homes, a beautiful looking family, great health, luxury travel around the world - Mireille was stuck. 

“I don’t feel anything,” she blurted to me. “I’m so cut off from myself, I don’t feel like I have a self anymore - I’m just what’s expected of me. I used to get such comfort from my faith in God but now …  I feel nothing. I grew up really poor and know I should be grateful for all I have. But I just feel … empty and numb. I can’t even feel the good things in my life.” 

Over time, Mirelle revealed that her long-term marriage, while stable, was effectively dead. Her partner’s drinking left her feeling isolated, alone and insecure. It was a pretty bad rut, although a familiar one. It’s greatest benefit frankly was that it didn’t require her to cope with the uncertainty of a life without a partner. 

Maybe you can relate.

For Mireille, exploring and slowly reconnecting with the religion of her childhood was one element that helped her feel more confident that changes in her life would lead to good things. This sense of hope also helped her reach out to find a support group for folks affected by someone else’s drinking. Both of these helped her connect with a benevolent force greater than herself that could help her cope with the uncertainty of life. By the time our work together came to an end, she was feeling so confident that her future would be bright no matter what happened that she had filed for divorce and was excited to see what the next chapter in her evolution would hold. 

What matters most in this story isn’t that Mireille took action to end an unsatisfying relationship (although that was a monumental step forward in her journey to creating a more authentically enriching life). Rather it’s about how she found several sources of comfort (her childhood religion, a support group, the help of a private coach, etc) that gave her the confidence to navigate the inevitable uncertainty of life without being knocked over. 

An integrated spiritual connection can be a huge boost to anyone looking for help coping with the ups and downs that we all face. 

Accepting Reality and Impermanence

When I lived in Athens, I also took the subway whenever I could. On days when I was running late for the train and would barely miss it, as the doors slammed shut, I’d always hear the same sound in my head:

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Even though the doors had closed and the train was pulling away, my mind would have a terrible time accepting reality (especially on those days when it was over 100 degrees and the AC wasn’t working). The reality was that I’d missed the train. But the lingering NO! in my head was a sign of my complete and utter lack of acceptance of life in that moment. Even though this situation was impermanent and another train would be coming soon enough, the monkey mind in my head both refused to accept reality and told a story about how this would never change.

Maybe you’ve had the same experience. 

For me, the study of Buddhism helped me deal with and accept reality in situations like these more readily as well as accept impermanence. But the idea also holds in other spiritual traditions, exemplified by the timeless words, “This too shall pass”. 

In these times of constant change and turmoil, recognizing and accepting the impermanence of our troubles can be super helpful. If you are a journaller, it can be so empowering to go back to old notebooks to see what’s happened to the big problems of your life. Whenever I need a boost, I scroll through my angst-y teenage and young adults journals (“Does Joey like me?” Answer: no. “Will my parents ever stop fighting?” Answer: Yes. “Will I ever write a book?” Answer: to be determined … but stay tuned!)

The bottom-line is that learning to let go of certainty and trust that good things will happen if you do is one of the many benefits of cultivating your spirituality. It’s something you deserve that’s your birthright.

What about Spiritual Abuse or Religious Trauma? The Importance of Compassion.

Unfortunately, spiritual abuse and religious trauma are all too common. They can turn us off from deeply healing and important sources of support that can be incredibly helpful. A gay health care provider raised in a judgmental religious background that I worked with talked about how he had been ostracized and shamed for his identity. He saw that, while he turned his back on his former faith that rejected him, he had also deeply missed the sense of meaning and purpose he had once been comforted by at least sometimes. Spending time exploring his own spirituality in an inclusive, non-judgmental group setting was transformative for him.

If you’ve suffered spiritual abuse or religious trauma in particular, it’s imperative to be especially gentle and patient with yourself as you dip your toes into these waters. 

Get outside support if you need to in order to explore this in a compassionate, nurturing, and inclusive way. There are many individual therapists, clergy and coaches who can help support you to do this work either privately or in a group setting. Your intuition and referrals from friends, colleagues and family can help you connect with the resources you need, especially if you doubt your own judgment from prior abuses.

Understanding Your Spirit is a Lifelong Endeavor

Finally, it’s important to note that this blog post is just a tiny taste of the many benefits you stand to gain by exploring your own spirituality. Indeed, doing so is nothing short of a life-long endeavor that can continue to nourish and sustain you as you live, love, evolve and grow.

Curious about exploring your own spirituality in an inclusive, compassionate and nurturing way? Get the motivation, accountability and support you need. Check out the Mastering Resilience Small Group Coaching Program. Applications are now being accepted. 

Understanding the Body and Trauma (Part II)

If you’ve been alive in the U.S. during the last year, there is one word that you’ve probably heard more than you have at any other time in your life.

That word is trauma. 

Whether referring to the health, psychological or social impact of the coronavirus, the implications of children being out of school for months at a time, economic devastation to millions, the spike in mental health crises or the insurrection in the Capitol on January 6th, trauma is being talked, written and heard about more than ever.

But what exactly is trauma and what can we do about it?

In this blog post, part of a 3-part series which follows up on Understanding the Mind and Brain (Part I) we’ll explore what trauma is, why animals don’t experience trauma, what happens in humans, and what makes the difference in our ability to cope with and heal from trauma. 

What is trauma?

The word trauma comes from the Greek word for wound. 

In many ways, our psychic wounds are similar to physical wounds, according to Dr. Gabor Mate, author of When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection.

When a physical wound is open, it is raw and extremely sensitive. If you touch it even slightly, you experience intense pain. We’ve all had this experience of being tender and exceptionally vulnerable in this way. Even the smallest contact with this wound is practically unbearable.

When a physical wound heals, scar tissue forms. That tissue is hard and rigid. It is inflexible. It allows nothing to permeate it. 

Our psychic wounds are much the same. 

When we experience trauma, we are extremely sensitive to even a feather’s touch of an experience like the one that hurt us. We cannot bear the agony of even the smallest bit of contact. We become easily triggered by anything even remotely related to the original incident. 

In other places, we become rigid and hard. 

We become inflexible, unreachable even. We let nothing new in, not even resources that might be helpful in some way. So firm and inflexible is our defensiveness. 

In other words, in one way, our psyche lacks balance and moderation. Addicts all recognize this dynamic. And if we’ve experienced trauma, chances are that we are addicts. If addiction is defined as any behavior - shopping, scrolling social media, drinking, overworking, eating, whatever we do to temporarily numb the pain - that persists despite repeated adverse consequences, you can see how most of us are addicts of one sort or another.

And what is the remedy for addiction? It’s not abstinence. It’s connection.

Furthermore, trauma isn’t just what happens. It’s also the absence of what should have happened. 

But there is a way in which our physical wounds and our psychic wounds differ broadly. Our psychic wounds can fully heal. They can be gently, patiently, compassionately healed. 

The medicine? Connection.

Connection with the self and compassionate witnesses, nature, spirit, creativity, art and more.

It is the drive for connection that is the wisdom of trauma. The most important connection being the one with ourselves. 

Trauma is also anything that overwhelms our capacity to cope and leaves us feeling helpless, hopeless or unable to respond. Importantly, trauma lies in the person, and not in the event. Its effects are cumulative. 

There are several types of trauma. 

Shock trauma is things like natural disasters, war zone experiences, man made disasters, sexual assaults, acts of terrorism, acts of violence (including school shootings), child abuse, death of loved ones, major car accidents, and physical trauma. We often hear these referred to as “Big T” traumas. This is what returning veterans have to contend with for years after returning from combat, for example.

There is also what is often called “little t” trauma which includes relational and developmental trauma, such as lack of parental attunement in childhood, betrayal, sexual harassment and divorce. This category also includes things like dog bites, dental procedures, routine surgeries, falls, minor car accidents. 

Finally there is systemic trauma, such as racism, sexism, homelessness, homophobia, transphobia, ableism and other forms of oppression. 

To reiterate, once again the effects of trauma are cumulative. 

Let’s see how this shows up. 

For example, when I witnessed a man being killed by a terrible car bombing when I worked in the Balkans the impact on me was significant. Most people would acknowledge this as a serious shock trauma. But what ultimately determined the impact of that shock trauma in my life for many years wasn’t the bombing. It was the cumulative effect of the developmental and systemic trauma I had experienced as a child that combined with the shock trauma which was so devastating.

Because in the car with me the night of that bombing in Belgrade was another diplomat, my friend Irini. While she was shaken up a bit by the event, she was able to get back to work and business as usual almost immediately. What had been a limit event for my nervous system, which had already been severely taxed in childhood, for her was just an unfortunate but ultimately minor event in her life. 

This, too, is an extremely important point to keep in mind. 

You might have had a breakup or divorce which devastated you for years, for example, while your best friend from college got divorced and was dating again in a matter of weeks. To reiterate, because trauma is in the person and not the event, however, we might see perhaps that your traumatic breakup took place shortly after your father died, your dog got sick and you lost your job, already placing enormous demands on your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual resources. 

Why animals don’t experience trauma

To understand how trauma is experienced by humans, it’s helpful to look at what happens in animals in the wild. Despite going through the harrowing experiences we’ve all seen on the Nature channel, why is it that animals in the wild can be chased, hunted, attacked, and threatened without becoming traumatized? 

My teacher Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing and author of Waking the Tiger, offers some important clues. 

Imagine a small deer in a sunny meadow. The deer is peacefully munching on grass when it hears a noise. The deer instinctively lifts its head up, perks up its ears and orients to the sound. Its neck, face and eyes turn toward the disturbance while its heart begins to pump faster, flooding its arms and legs with blood preparing it to fight off a predator or flee if necessary. Its sympathetic (alert) nervous system has been activated. Based on millions of years of evolution that have honed its instincts, the animal quickly discerns that the sound was benign - maybe that of a twig snapping - and without missing a beat, goes back to grazing. Within moments, its heart rate goes back to normal and blood leaves the large muscle groups of the legs and arms and moves once again to the digestive system and central organs. The parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) system of the body is activated once again and all is well. 

But let’s say the deer turns and hears that the noise in the bushes maybe isn’t benign but is presenting a threat. 

What happens next?

In this case, once again the deer orients to the sound and its sympathetic nervous system becomes activated. It senses that maybe there is a threat. Immediately the deer’s instinctual response system assesses whether the sound is more like that of a small gopher, which it can easily fight off if necessary, or if it is a more fierce and faster predator, perhaps a cheetah. If it’s a smaller animal, the deer will fight it off and survive. It will use its life-saving capacity for healthy aggression and will actually feel more vital, energized and alive by protecting itself with the fight response. 

Once again, no trauma results here. 

But what if the deer senses that a cheetah caused the disturbance? An animal that is a natural predator and is both larger and faster than the small buck? What happens next?

In this case, the deer will instinctively begin to flee the scene and a chase sequence begins. The buck will run and run as quickly as it can to get away from the deadly and ferocious predator. It runs as fast as it can, but there is no way it can escape the feline. The cheetah gets closer and closer as they run, literally, for life or death across the savannah. 

As the deer continues to lose its lead on the great cat, it becomes clear that its strategy of fleeing and running away will not save him. He cannot outrun the cheetah and knows that, unless something extraordinary happens, it will almost certainly soon feel the steely jaws of the cheetah ripping into its flesh. 

Instinctively the deer once again changes its survival strategy. It could not fight the bigger cat and it can’t flee from it. So the deer takes one more shot at survival and employs its final strategy.

Let’s see what happens.  

As the cheetah gets closer and closer, suddenly the deer stops running and abruptly falls over as if dead on the plain. The deer knows that freezing in this way (playing possum, as it were) offers two potential life-affirming benefits.

First, by freezing, the deer’s physiology shuts down and produces powerful pain-relieving hormones, literally the same substances as opioids. In the event the cheetah does catch up to him and its powerful jaws clamp the prey’s flesh, the pain will be dulled. Secondly, because cheetah and other predators aren’t scavengers and won’t eat animals they haven’t killed, the feline might see the deer lying down and think it’s dead. With some luck, what might even happen is that the cheetah sniffs around at the deer, determines it’s dead and decides to walk away and leave the scene. At that point, once the coast is clear, the deer will get up, unscathed from the encounter.

The most interesting thing you'll see though is what happens after the deer gets up.

Once it’s determined it is in a safe enough place, the deer will begin to shake, tremble and take some deep spontaneous breaths. Remember before the deer stopped racing it was going incredibly fast, perhaps speeds of more than 30 miles per hour. An enormous amount of life force energy was moving through its body, as if the gas pedal was to the metal. Going into a sudden freeze response in this way is akin to slamming on the breaks. Imagine how much energy would be spent in your car if both the gas and the brakes were slammed down at the same time. There would be a huge expenditure of energy, or revving, but zero forward or backward movement. By getting up and spontaneously shaking, trembling and breathing deeply, the deer’s nervous system is reset and it goes back to doing its deer-thing. No trauma results. 

What happens in humans 

Obviously in more ways than we commonly acknowledge, we are much like animals in the wild, especially when it comes to our survival strategies. You might recall using some or all of these strategies yourself. 

So what is it that animals are doing differently that we aren’t? And why is that?

Like animals, we, too, have the natural impulse to discharge overwhelming experiences. But in humans, our egos often get in the way. We don’t want to look weird shaking in the middle of the grocery store when our kid is acting wild. We don’t want to allow ourselves to tremble and cry at work when we get a call that our mom’s diagnosis isn’t good. After all, we don’t want people to think we’re unprofessional or called hysterical, a judgment that often gets hurled at anyone expressing even the slightest hint of emotional energy in corporate work environments. And especially if we are from marginalized and oppressed communities that are already considered threatening in certain shame-based environments in dominant culture, we certainly don’t want to express ourselves for fear of further alienation, ridicule, job losses and even death.

So instead what do we do? 

In what leading trauma-expert Bessel Van Der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, calls “the post-alcoholic culture” of modern America, we drink, drug, eat, obsess, shop, overwork, have compulsive sex and do whatever else we can to cope with that unprocessed energy. 

What makes the difference?  Education and Resources. 

What, then, is the path to preventing or healing from trauma? Is that even possible? 

The answer is a resounding yes. 

It is possible to prevent symptoms associated with trauma such as anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, sleep disorders, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and others from developing by endeavoring to give ourselves the time, space and permission to discharge these powerful life force energies. Understanding how your body and trauma work is an incredibly important part of the process and one of the most important resources to have in your toolkit. Knowing this about how we work can help not only you, but your children, spouse, friends and colleagues to prevent post traumatic stress from happening. The cliche “knowledge is power” really does sum it up.

But that’s not all.

Our access to resources is one of the biggest determinants of whether and how we will experience trauma in our lives. 

This is a key point to consider.

Resources are both internal and external. An internal resource might be knowing you have overcome similarly challenging experiences in your life and have survived. It could be your faith. It could be a yoga, prayer or meditation practice. It could be an image or memory of a loving pet or grandparent that loved you unconditionally. 

Inner resources are incredibly powerful as they can never be taken from you. They are also widely available to marginalized and oppressed communities that may also be suffering from a lack of external resources.

For most people, external resources are also necessary to help us cope with and resolve trauma once difficult events occur. External resources could be compassionate friends, family, therapists, coaches, healers, nature, plant medicines, financial resources to help pay for therapy, a 12-step community, yoga class or teacher, a pet that gives you unconditional love and affection, art, music, even essential oils and certain smells. Almost anything life-affirming can be an external resource. 

Trauma is a Fact of Life, But it Doesn’t Have to Be A Life Sentence

While trauma is a fact of life, as Dr. Levine says, it doesn't have to be a life sentence. 

In an upcoming blog post, I’ll share with you specific simple practices you can do to begin the process of feeling more self-regulated and resilient to trauma. 

Mastering resilience to stress, anxiety and trauma to have a more meaningful impact in the world is possible and more necessary than ever. Understanding how your body and trauma work can be hugely helpful on your path to doing so. 

Want to create your most resilient and intentional year yet in 2021? Get the motivation, accountability and support you need. Check out the Mastering Resilience Small Group Coaching Program with social justice pricing. Applications are now being accepted.