Three Tips for Coping with Transition Fatigue (Yet Again!)

Ever feel like there is way too much change going on in your life or the world? Like just when you get used to one big tsunami there’s another wave of transition coming right at you?

If you’ve been alive in 2021 in the U.S. certainly, you may be feeling this unending sense of anxiety and dread.

“What? Now we’re back to wearing masks again? They want us to come back to the office? I was just getting used to this working at home thing and I’m supposed to do what now? After all the juggling I just did, now I’ve got to maneuver it all around again? When the hell are things ever gonna just go back to normal?!?!”

I know plenty of folks who are making themselves sick and stressed because of the transition fatigue and overwhelm. They don’t have the right tools and information about how we work as human beings and they are burning out. 

Great news. It doesn’t have to be that way!

As someone who has adapted to and created a lot of change in my life, and who helps others do the same, trust me when I say this: not only can you ride out this phase of transition in your life, but you can learn the tools, skills and practices to help you be with change in a way that doesn’t make you overly stressed and sick in the coming weeks, months and years to come. 

‘Cuz guess what, dear one?

Change is here, it’s inevitable and it can be a really good thing. 

In this blog post, you’ll learn 3 things you can begin with right now to help you cope with transition fatigue and overwhelm.

1. Find ground

Remember old-fashioned cartoons? 

Where everything in the entire frame - the background, the farmhouse, the lake - is perfectly still except for Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck running around? When you watched that as a kid, you probably marveled at it and didn’t even notice that 95% of the screen wasn’t moving at all. 

That’s because we are wired to track changes and notice what is moving in our environment and visual field. When these changes happen at a pace our nervous systems can process, or within our window of tolerance, we are usually ok. 

But what happens when there are so many changes going on in your life and you don’t have the opportunity to process, assimilate and integrate them?  

That can be incredibly destabilizing and overwhelming. 

In fact, too many changes without enough stability can feel like chaos, and from a biological perspective that’s unequivocally true. 

(Plus they — even changes we like or have worked hard for - be terribly exhausting energetically, like a tax on the nervous system. So if that’s you, read on).

Trauma (or traumatic stress) can be defined as anything that overwhelms us and leaves us feeling helpless, hopeless or unable to respond. (Click here for a much more detailed explanation for understanding trauma). Too many changes in too short a period of time can qualify. If, for example, you experienced a job change, a significant change in health, the death of a beloved pet and a global pandemic in the span of a year or two like a beloved client of mine - in addition to all the regular life stressors like paying your bills, having relationships and taking care of your mental health - you shouldn’t be surprised to find yourself feeling overwhelmed. If you’ve had stressful situations growing up, you can multiply that impact by many fold.

So what can you do?

EXERCISE: Focus on what’s stable, unchanging and consistent right here, right now. 

For example, you could take a few moments to note everything that is grounding or solid for you right now. Maybe you can feel your bones, your heart beating or your breath - all elements that have been with you consistently since you were born. You could also bring your awareness to the chair, sofa or bed you are in right now, the ground beneath you, the stars and the moon in the sky above, or the predictable way your cat jumps on your lap the minute you try to get on a Zoom call. My private and group coaching clients know what a fan I am of also having daily and weekly self-care non-negotiables (something we talk about a lot) as the consistent elements in cultivating resilience. 

(Note: If you travel a lot or have an unpredictable work schedule, it’s even more important for you to take the time to get clarity on your daily non-negotiables, to communicate them when necessary to family and colleagues and to protect them fiercely. Mine include meditation, three meals a day, prayer, yoga, adequate sleep and connecting with my support system).

Now doing so won't necessarily affect the changes that are happening in your life. But it can very likely give you the shift in perspective that reminds you of all that you can count and rely on in this very moment. Even if you’ve had lots of disappointments or trying challenges in your life - as many of us have - by bringing your awareness to what is stable, unchanging and consistent right now, you’re giving yourself (and your resilient nervous system) a chance to recalibrate. 

2. Notice positive changes

Having lived in Europe for a good part of my life, I’ve always found it odd that Americans in general (warning: huge sweeping overgeneralization ahead!) are incredibly reluctant to talk about class and financial privilege. People are more likely to talk about their sex life than they are class and how it affects every area of our lives, including our mental health, relationships and well-being. 

But recently, I’ve noticed more conversations and discussions about class in mainstream audiences. When millions of people are strangled by student loan debt, often into the hundreds of thousands of dollars for people who are in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, it makes sense that more people are willing to talk about the implications of student loan debt on class mobility, status and the increasingly elusive dream of a middle class life.

That, in my opinion, is a very, very positive change in our culture. 

And that’s the second strategy I’d like to suggest you explore when you’re feeling overwhelmed by change: notice what has changed for the better in your life, community and the world around you because I promise you there is a lot.

EXERCISE: Identify and focus on positive changes

One simple way to do this is to set a timer for 5 minutes. When the timer goes off, you start writing a list (bullet points are fine) of all the things that are better today for you than they were at some point in the past. Maybe you don’t have a 3 hour commute into the city for work or you’re finally able to walk after a devastating accident that left you nearly paralyzed. Or maybe you got a new lovable little critter during the pandemic that greets you when you come home. Or maybe your arms are finally strong enough so you can do bakasana (crow pose) or date online without your self-esteem being dragged into the mud with every dud. 

Broaden it out if you like and focus on changes in your community or the world that are in a positive direction. Like the greater participation of women in the workforce or greater equity, diversity and inclusion in some environments. (Or the fact that most Americans with access to clean drinking water, electricity and health care live better than Louis XIV did when he was King of France!).

It’s important to keep in mind that, even while changes are happening that feel terribly uncomfortable - or are even devastating and incomplete in some cases - good can often come from them with your intention and attention. For example, maybe you were in a toxic and abusive relationship and made a commitment never again to date someone who isn’t self-aware and willing to do the work. While it might not have been fun getting there, your new and improved sense of self-esteem is a huge win. Taking stock of these wins regularly by training your mind to notice and savor them (click HERE for more on understanding the mind and the brain for non-neuroscientists) can be hugely beneficial and will serve you greatly.

3. Seek spiritual inspiration 

Because of the negativity bias we all have as part of our survival make-up, it takes conscious, consistent effort to focus on things that inspire us and give us hope. That might be in the religion of your childhood, yoga, recovery or any other type of grounded, embodied spirituality that lifts you up. 

The important things spirituality can offer us are both, (1) an understanding and acceptance of the impermanence of all phenomena and (2) a way of being reasonably comfortable with uncertainty (for more ideas about understanding your spirit, check this out). 

EXERCISE: Get plugged in spiritually 

Perhaps that means you spend some time reconnecting with the faith of your childhood, reading spiritual or inspiring books (like Peace from Anxiety from my teacher Hala Khouri), listening to podcasts, joining a faith community or a group that lets you see others making positive, inspiring changes in their lives. If resources are tight, recovery communities offer hope and inspiration to millions of people looking to live better lives free of addictive patterns (remember, addiction isn’t necessarily drugs or alcohol, but can be any pleasurable behavior -- scrolling social media, porn, shopping, food, exercise, overworking, etc -- that persists despite adverse consequences). For some people, going for a hike in nature might give you perspective. For others, being part of a social justice movement - a positive, life-affirming sense of belonging to something greater than yourself  - can be hugely beneficial. 

Now that you have some ideas for coping with transition fatigue and overwhelm, what comes next?

You might be thinking: 

Ok I get these strategies, they seem useful. But how do I do this in my real life?

This is precisely what folks in the Mastering Resilience Group Coaching Program do each week. There’s a lot of nuance to applying these strategies and tips in your life in ways that you can engage with consistently. Support is required for you to try different things on. And then there’s the importance of loving accountability, when you make and keep different commitments to your self-care in a compassionate, authentic group setting. 

Want to try it out?

Check out the upcoming Community Support Call: Tools for Coping with Transition Fatigue (Yet again!) on Tuesday, August 31st from 10-11:30 am Pacific. For more details and to register for this FREE call, click HERE. 

The bottom line?

Change is an inevitable part of life, as cliche as that sounds. 

The good news is that by implementing these strategies you can begin to cultivate a more-balanced and easeful relationship with it. Change might never be your favorite thing (after all we are creatures of habit, routine and ritual) but at least you can begin to move out of the stress of resistance and overwhelm.

And that is something to celebrate!

Join the upcoming Community Support Call: Tools for Coping with Transition Fatigue (Yet again!) on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021 from 10-11:30 am Pacific. The call is FREE to join but you must REGISTER HERE to attend.

Understanding Your Spirit (Part III)

When I lived in Greece, depression would creep into my psyche like a dark, mangy dog that would hang around for days and weeks at a time. Whatever was going on in my life - work problems, relationship issues, the existential despair of being human - was the stuff this dog would gnaw on and carry around like a bone wherever I went.

It was relentless.

Sometimes I’d feel so desperate and out of sorts that I’d get in my silver VW on a random Wednesday afternoon when I should have been doing something productive, drive an hour along the Athenian coast and go to sit at the Temple of Poseidon at Sounion on the water.

Legend has it that Cape Sounion is where Aegeus, king of Athens, jumped off of the cliff in utter heartbreak upon learning of his son, Theseus’, supposed death. Theseus was returning from the island of Crete where he set out to vanquish the Minotaur, the infamous half man-half bull. They had agreed that if Theseus survived his journey he would fly a white sail on his mast. Tragically, he forgot to hoist the white sail rounding Cape Sounion, instead flying a black sail giving the signal that he hadn’t survived. Upon seeing this, the bereft king is said to have leapt to his death in the sea below, which was to take his name as the Aegean Sea.

You can see why I was inspired to go there when dark thoughts like clouds would cover my mind.

Inevitably, after sitting there for an hour or two and watching the sun and sea and gleaming white ancient monuments, though, I’d oddly feel better. Being in a spot that had more than 2500 years of human history embedded in it always seemed to put my problems into perspective. Sure I felt crappy for a few days or weeks. But my difficulties seemed to pale in insignificance when I reflected on how impermanent my little human predicament was. 

The story of the Greek king plunging to his death also would remind me of how uncertain life is for all of us. One morning Aegeus was on top of the world, admired, respected and envied by all in his kingdom. The next day, racked with grief at the death of his beloved son, he was a speck in the sea, gone forever to live on by name only. 

Poof.

Finished. 

Kaput.

Oddly enough, reflecting on these facts, of the impermanence of everything and the uncertainty of life for all of us, was comforting. In many ways, those dark times became the seeds of my own burgeoning spirituality. 

In my private practice, I see folks who are interested in mastering resilience to stress, anxiety and trauma to have a more meaningful impact in the world. To do so, I help them understand how the mind and brain works. We also learn about the body and how trauma shows up in it. These are both essential, in my experience. 

But it’s also incredibly important to have an understanding of what a vital, embodied spiritual connection can do to help you master resilience. This isn’t necessarily about religion or even ritual - although they can both be important elements of spirituality. Rather, it’s about having a conceptual framework for living your life that can guide, sustain and nourish you when the sh*t hits the fan, as it inevitably will.

If you have been ignoring consciously tending to your spirit, think about it this way: if you got into your car and saw the tires were two-thirds full, would you wonder why getting anywhere would be exhausting, slow and precarious at best? Of course not. You’d fill ‘em up and get on down the road. 

From my perspective, any sincere, embodied spiritual pursuit can be helpful here: organized religion (Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Taoism, Judaism, etc), yoga, 12 step recovery, creative expression, indigenous healing practices such as plant medicines, engaged activism and many, many others. 

What matters most for you to deal with stress, anxiety and trauma is that your flavor of spirituality:

• Offers you hope

• Helps you connect with something benevolent that is greater than yourself, and

• Is something you can connect with regularly 

If your get up and go has gotten up and gone, read on, dear one. This blog post might be the missing arrow in your quiver of tools that you don’t want to be without. 

Anxious? Stuck? Feeling Empty? Spirituality Can Help You Cope with the Uncertainty of Life

Mireille came to one of my classes at the world-renowned Golden Door spa and wanted to work with me privately. Although her life looked marvelous on paper - several gorgeous homes, a beautiful looking family, great health, luxury travel around the world - Mireille was stuck. 

“I don’t feel anything,” she blurted to me. “I’m so cut off from myself, I don’t feel like I have a self anymore - I’m just what’s expected of me. I used to get such comfort from my faith in God but now …  I feel nothing. I grew up really poor and know I should be grateful for all I have. But I just feel … empty and numb. I can’t even feel the good things in my life.” 

Over time, Mirelle revealed that her long-term marriage, while stable, was effectively dead. Her partner’s drinking left her feeling isolated, alone and insecure. It was a pretty bad rut, although a familiar one. It’s greatest benefit frankly was that it didn’t require her to cope with the uncertainty of a life without a partner. 

Maybe you can relate.

For Mireille, exploring and slowly reconnecting with the religion of her childhood was one element that helped her feel more confident that changes in her life would lead to good things. This sense of hope also helped her reach out to find a support group for folks affected by someone else’s drinking. Both of these helped her connect with a benevolent force greater than herself that could help her cope with the uncertainty of life. By the time our work together came to an end, she was feeling so confident that her future would be bright no matter what happened that she had filed for divorce and was excited to see what the next chapter in her evolution would hold. 

What matters most in this story isn’t that Mireille took action to end an unsatisfying relationship (although that was a monumental step forward in her journey to creating a more authentically enriching life). Rather it’s about how she found several sources of comfort (her childhood religion, a support group, the help of a private coach, etc) that gave her the confidence to navigate the inevitable uncertainty of life without being knocked over. 

An integrated spiritual connection can be a huge boost to anyone looking for help coping with the ups and downs that we all face. 

Accepting Reality and Impermanence

When I lived in Athens, I also took the subway whenever I could. On days when I was running late for the train and would barely miss it, as the doors slammed shut, I’d always hear the same sound in my head:

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Even though the doors had closed and the train was pulling away, my mind would have a terrible time accepting reality (especially on those days when it was over 100 degrees and the AC wasn’t working). The reality was that I’d missed the train. But the lingering NO! in my head was a sign of my complete and utter lack of acceptance of life in that moment. Even though this situation was impermanent and another train would be coming soon enough, the monkey mind in my head both refused to accept reality and told a story about how this would never change.

Maybe you’ve had the same experience. 

For me, the study of Buddhism helped me deal with and accept reality in situations like these more readily as well as accept impermanence. But the idea also holds in other spiritual traditions, exemplified by the timeless words, “This too shall pass”. 

In these times of constant change and turmoil, recognizing and accepting the impermanence of our troubles can be super helpful. If you are a journaller, it can be so empowering to go back to old notebooks to see what’s happened to the big problems of your life. Whenever I need a boost, I scroll through my angst-y teenage and young adults journals (“Does Joey like me?” Answer: no. “Will my parents ever stop fighting?” Answer: Yes. “Will I ever write a book?” Answer: to be determined … but stay tuned!)

The bottom-line is that learning to let go of certainty and trust that good things will happen if you do is one of the many benefits of cultivating your spirituality. It’s something you deserve that’s your birthright.

What about Spiritual Abuse or Religious Trauma? The Importance of Compassion.

Unfortunately, spiritual abuse and religious trauma are all too common. They can turn us off from deeply healing and important sources of support that can be incredibly helpful. A gay health care provider raised in a judgmental religious background that I worked with talked about how he had been ostracized and shamed for his identity. He saw that, while he turned his back on his former faith that rejected him, he had also deeply missed the sense of meaning and purpose he had once been comforted by at least sometimes. Spending time exploring his own spirituality in an inclusive, non-judgmental group setting was transformative for him.

If you’ve suffered spiritual abuse or religious trauma in particular, it’s imperative to be especially gentle and patient with yourself as you dip your toes into these waters. 

Get outside support if you need to in order to explore this in a compassionate, nurturing, and inclusive way. There are many individual therapists, clergy and coaches who can help support you to do this work either privately or in a group setting. Your intuition and referrals from friends, colleagues and family can help you connect with the resources you need, especially if you doubt your own judgment from prior abuses.

Understanding Your Spirit is a Lifelong Endeavor

Finally, it’s important to note that this blog post is just a tiny taste of the many benefits you stand to gain by exploring your own spirituality. Indeed, doing so is nothing short of a life-long endeavor that can continue to nourish and sustain you as you live, love, evolve and grow.

Curious about exploring your own spirituality in an inclusive, compassionate and nurturing way? Get the motivation, accountability and support you need. Check out the Mastering Resilience Small Group Coaching Program. Applications are now being accepted.