Three Things You Need to Know About Boundaries

In this blog post, we’ll explore:

• What are healthy boundaries?

• The role of the nervous system

• Dos and Don’ts of boundary setting

While learning how to create and maintain healthy boundaries is a life-long practice and skill for many, there are a few things that you need to know to get started.

• What are healthy boundaries?

Healthy physical, emotional, financial, sexual, personal and spiritual boundaries are fundamentally about safety, respect and containment. At their best, like the skin, healthy boundaries allow what is nurturing and nourishing to come in, and keep out all the rest.

When boundaries are functioning best, they are firm and flexible. 

But what does it look like when our boundaries aren’t so ideal?

We might have walls for protection, meaning we block out any contact or incoming energy. On the other hand, we may adapt by having extremely porous boundaries where we basically take in everything around us without a filter. Both of these adaptations may be helpful at times, but healing trauma invites us to look towards cultivating boundaries that can take in a helpful amount and type of energetic information, and protect us from anything that isn’t.

For example, you might go through a painful divorce or breakup and say “Never again!” to dating or romantic relationships. That’s an example of a wall. 

Or maybe you can’t say no when your kids ask you for something or you spend money on stuff after you’ve promised yourself (yet again) not to do that. Those are examples of more porous boundaries. 

Now there’s nothing wrong with using walls or the absence of them. In fact, they are both common after we’ve experienced trauma - and one of the most common symptoms I see in my Somatic Experiencing clients.  They are in fact life saving. But when we can strengthen our boundaries - being more flexible where we are rigid and more solid where we are open - we can have many more choices and opportunities to thrive personally and professionally. 

We move from fixity to flow, rigidity to choice, compulsion to curiosity. 

• The role of the nervous system

Along with our cultural environment, our brain and nervous system are among the primary creators of our boundaries. 

Different systems in the brain relate to different parts of our energetic boundary system. 

Our physical boundaries are related to our skin and the most ancient part of the brain. The brain scans the environment (approximately four times per second in fact) to make sure our skin isn’t being touched in a way that is harmful or dangerous. This scanning is automatic in our brain stem, just as it is in the reptiles and our evolutionary elders. 

Our emotional and psychological boundaries are related to our limbic system, the subcortical structures of the brain. Our psychological boundaries are formed when we are children. When there is proper attunement and mirroring of our emotional landscape, we learn what our emotional identity is, and how it is different from those around us. 

For example, a two-year old having a tantrum might be offered a reflection, “Oh, it looks like you’re mad. You want to play with your toy, don’t you? It’s ok to be mad and right now it’s time for you to get dressed.” The child learns about the emotion “mad”, that it’s ok to feel that way, and that it is her feeling – no one else’s. With regular attunement, the child’s brain learns to know that her feelings and thoughts are ok, and to differentiate from those in her environment. She isn’t enmeshed with the feelings of those around her, but can clearly see where she starts and ends.

These psychological boundaries also allow in information that is true and keep out what isn’t. For example, if you’re told you are a blue truck, you might be able to keep that information out - because you know very well that you aren’t. 

Finally, our ability to keep our word to ourselves and practice impulse control (what might be called a containing boundary) is situated in the neocortex, the newest and most uniquely human part of the brain. This thin layer of gray matter is active when we keep to our commitment to finish the project rather than binging on Netflix, put down the phone and get a good night’s sleep rather than scrolling social media and finish one project before starting the next.

Knowing about the role of the brain and nervous system is helpful for generating compassion with ourselves when learning about boundaries. These adaptations took some time to develop, and they require time to evolve. The good news though is that with attention and intention - coupled with the miracle of neuroplasticity - our nervous system and boundaries can become more functional and life-affirming.

• Dos and Don’ts of boundary setting

Once we’ve established physical, psychological and personal boundaries, next up we can begin the practice of creating and maintaining them in our relationships. One of the most important things to keep in mind is that, if we aren’t first able to honor these foundational internal boundaries, it will be nearly impossible to have them with others. So to get started with setting limits with others, we have to begin even closer to home – with ourselves.

Yes you heard that right - don’t even try to set boundaries with your colleagues at work or your mother, if you haven’t first cultivated your own personal boundaries. 

In other words, when you can respect your physical integrity (and that of others), your emotional self (and the emotions or psychology of those around you without being unduly impacted) and your internal commitments (like when you say you are going to meditate every day for 20 minutes), you can then begin to communicate and execute boundaries far more effectively with others. 

Here are a few tips to get you started. 

DO: 

• Learn about boundaries

• Practice 

• Start with yourself

• Let go of the quick-fix

• Begin with the low hanging fruit 

• Take the win

• Get support

DON’T

• Start with the most challenging relationships

• Ask other people to do for you what you aren’t doing for yourself

• Make threats you won’t carry out

Generating healthy boundaries is one of the best things we can do for our physical, emotional, financial and spiritual health, and most of us need a little help along the way. 

If you’d like to strengthen your boundaries, reach out to a mental health provider, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, trauma-informed coach or find a class. There are so many ways to to support your growth in this way — just find your way to get started. Whether it’s cognitively (by reading blog posts and books), somatically (through embodied practices) or experientially (through trial and error), you can heal and transform your boundaries for better health, relationships and financial abundance. By learning about healthy boundaries, the role or your nervous system and the dos and dont’s of boundary setting, you are already on your way.

THE REFUGE OF BOUNDARIES experience IS NOW OPEn for registration for a limited time. join us for our first live session on may 11th. click here for the details & to register.

My Top 5 Travel Tips

After more than two years of travel restrictions, if you’re like many people I’ve been talking to recently including those in my group coaching program, you’re probably itching to get back on the road. As a bicultural life-long traveler, former diplomat and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, I’ve learned a few things about how to travel in a way that supports well-being. 

Whether it’s a 7 week-long road trip to the National Parks across the U.S., a flight to visit family and friends back in Europe, camping in Joshua Tree or a trip to the big city for a weeklong training, I’ve made every travel mistake possible and learned a thing or two along the way.

Here are My Top 5 Travel Tips This Summer 

1. Minimize salt intake the day before travel

Travel and bloating seem to go together, like tomatoes and cucumbers in a Greek salad.

Reducing sodium content before flying helps keep it to a minimum. (This means you will never EVER find me eating sushi the night before a long-flight as tempting as it may be - the soy sauce is guaranteed to make me feel like I’m about to pop out of my skin.)

Trust me on this one - it can make all the difference, especially if you are hydrating with lots of pure, fresh water. Walk away from the salty treats and you won’t regret it.

2.Bring peppermint essential oil

Funny smells and travel go hand in hand. For me, the smell of jet engine fuel can definitely make me feel queasy. And as my beloved likes to say, I’m perhaps the only Greek who gets sea-sick so this is no joke (especially when you’ve got your head in a bag on a flight or over the rails of a ship).

Enter peppermint essential oil to the rescue.

A trick I’ve learned is to pop a couple of cotton balls soaked with a few drops of it into a plastic baggie. That way if something smells funky, I can just open up the baggie, take a deep inhalation and feel so much better. (Pro tip: It’s also more respectful to other folks nearby who might have allergies or sensitivities to smells). 

Now this won’t take away all motion sickness, but it definitely helps me feel clearer and more refreshed, especially after red-eye flights.

3. Eat the same breakfast every day

Let’s face it: one of the best things about travel is the food. 

Trying different exotic foods or eating family favorites you wouldn’t ordinarily eat at home any more is one of life’s great pleasures. But if you’re gone for more than a few days – especially if you’re in a hotel and eating out all the time – multiple exotic meals a day can be a bit much.

That’s why I love to have the same thing everyday for breakfast when I travel. 

Physically, it’s a way of making sure I get healthy protein, practice portion control and have the energy to do the exploring I came to do.

Emotionally, there’s also something super comforting for my inner child who can sometimes feel a bit anxious when we aren’t home or in a new environment. Kids do better with routines for a reason. While they aren’t what I would eat for breakfast at home and are processed, on the road I love protein bars (Kind Protein Breakfast Bars are good) or Fage yogurt with honey and almonds, both great go-to options. Combined with the best decaf latte I can find, this is a winning breakfast that’ll keep me satisfied for the morning's activities, whether exploring the Louvre or sitting in a class on trauma-healing.

4. Get some movement before boarding the plane

If you’ve got a long drive or flight ahead of you, one of the best things you can do for your mental, physical and emotional well-being is get some movement beforehand. 

The truth is stuff happens when you travel - and not all of it’s fabulous: missing baggage, changing covid regulations, flight delays, proximity to other people who might have different preferences from yours, etc. Taking the time to get in some movement though is a game changer. It can be a short walk in the terminal, some yoga before leaving the house or even some basic pushups, squats or neck rolls. Getting some oxygen, blood and endorphins going along with cardio has also been shown to help with travel anxiety and emotional stability.

For me, waking up early to get in this movement is key to ensuring that my mood is better and I’m more resilient to the inevitable travel stuff that happens. If I can do this walk in nature, it’s even better. I consider it paying it forward to my fellow travelers (‘cause no one wants to sit next to the cranky, achy, whiny person!) as well as setting myself up for greater travel well-being.

(Bonus tip: Book a hotel where you can walk. On a recent trip to San Francisco, because I knew I would be seated all day in my Somatic Experiencing trainings with my teacher Peter Levine, I found a hotel just 2 miles away. That way I had a great walk before class and afterwards. It was fantastic to get that movement in, both physically as well as for processing the material I had learned. If you can book a hotel where you can walk to your destination (and even better a sustainable hotel) by all means consider doing it. Better for you, better for the environment which travel isn’t always mindful of).

5. Throw a travel yoga mat in your suitcase

Sitting on a transcontinental flight can be uncomfortable in the best of circumstances. Between the canned air, the smells, the salty-greasy food in airports, the lack of outdoor access and the sheer impact on the body of moving across geographies, flying especially can be hard on the body. Particularly if you already have chronic health conditions.

I’ve found travel to be far more pleasant when I throw in a lightweight yoga mat into my suitcase (I got mine from Manduka ). Getting on my mat after I land helps to ground me in my body again and to release the tension from being cramped up for so many hours. Even a few minutes on my mat in the morning or evening can really make a difference in how I respond to the travel itinerary of the day. 

Travel is one of life’s great joys. There’s no reason why it can’t be a source of all around well-being, too. Remember, you don’t have to leave your wellness practices and routines at home.

I hope you enjoyed my top 5 travel tips.

Buon viaggio!