Certain times of the year - January, back-to-school time, Mondays (if you’re like many of us) - are when we begin to think about how things are going and what we’d like to see change.
This year, 2021, is no exception.
The vision boards get made, the resolutions shared and the new journals filled with our personal and professional goals.
So why don’t they usually happen?
Why Your Intentions Aren’t Manifesting
In my own life, and with my clients and colleagues, I’ve seen a number of things get in the way of intentions manifesting.
Folks report:
My resolutions have been too audacious and not realistic.
I don’t spend much time thinking about why I want these things to happen. Maybe that has something to do with it.
It’s scary to say something aloud.
Being extreme - like quitting alcohol, sugar, carbs and exercising all in the same day - always knocks me off my game.
I don’t want ANYBODY (not even my subconscious!) telling me what to do!
Even though I know creating accountability and getting support is helpful, I hate feeling like I’m disappointing myself and others if I don’t do it perfectly.
When my To-Do list is too big, I get overwhelmed. Less is definitely more.
That’s in addition to the very real question of access and proximity to resources.
Let’s be real: it’s a lot more realistic to fulfill your intention of writing a book this year when you have time, a reasonable amount of financial support, a great writing coach and accountability partners than when you don’t have any of those things. That’s not to say it’s not possible - just that proximity and access to resources can make manifesting many kinds of intentions more easeful.
How to Create Intentions That Do Manifest
There are a number of elements that make it more likely that your intentions will manifest.
Here are just a few:
Focus on the feeling you want. Rather than create an intention of losing 15 pounds to feel more confident (and let’s face it - that almost never works), focus on the feeling of being confident now at your current size, shape and weight. By focusing on feeling confident right now, you’ll begin to take the actions that a confident person would take.
Create intentions not from your ego, but from your Highest Self. Whenever I’ve created intentions from my ego (“I want to look great in a bathing suit and make that bastard, my ex, suffer!”) even when I’ve gotten what I wanted, it didn’t satisfy me. In fact, it’s like a food addict reaching her hand into a bag of chips saying, “This’ll be the last one!” and not stopping til the whole bag of salt and vinegar Kettle chips is annihilated (not that I’ve EVER done that, ahem). Take the time to connect with your spirit, Source, God, the Universe, your Highest Self, inner leader or whatever you call that part of you that is more than your small ego. Let it guide you.
Don’t spend too much time wondering how your intentions are going to manifest - just do what you can to get clear on what they are. At this stage, let your creativity - and your heart’s desires - become clear to you. Let go of the ego’s desire to control and know how it is all going to happen. This is where the mystery and power of the Universe is here to support you. When your vision is aligned with your Highest Self (see above), it’s easier to go with and trust the flow of life to bring you the people, places and things you need to thrive. Your job? Surrender, Dorothy.
Look at your life holistically. If you’re reading this blog post, I already know two things about you: you care about mastering resilience to stress, anxiety and trauma AND you want to have a more meaningful impact in the world. Rather than focus on the one thing you’re certain will make you happy - like finding a partner you can truly be your authentic self with in all circumstances - look at your whole life.
A great tool that I share with my private and group coaching clients that can help with this is this Wheel of Life.
Wheel of Life Snapshot Assessment
Draw a big circle - the messier the better. (Who needs more perfectionism?!) Now drop one line from the top to the bottom, another from left to right, and then two diagonals. You should have a Wheel with eight sections.
Now make a snapshot assessment of some of the key domains in your life in these eight sections: health, friends & family, work/vocation/activism, significant other/romance, physical environment (your home, car, where you live, etc) money, spiritual/personal/creative growth, and fun & recreation. You might need to play around with categories that resonate better for you so feel free to split these up or create categories that are more aligned for you(like you might have a nine in satisfaction with your friends but your family is more like a three).
Now rate each of these sections of your pie in terms of your levels of satisfaction, zero being you are totally miserable in this area of your life, ten being you are completely fulfilled.
The key to the exercise is not focusing on what it looks like to others - but how satisfying this area of your life is to you.
For example, you might be an attorney working in private practice. You have a prestigious job and make a decent living. But you hate what you do and would rather be spending your time writing that noir novel you’ve always wanted to. So you give your career a low score of say, 3, even though to your friends and family it appears it might look like you have the best job ever.
Where You Might Get Stuck
But what if you can’t get clear on what you want to manifest?
What if you have no idea what your intentions are, you just know you can’t stand the way your life is now?
Don’t worry - it’s much more common than you think.
In my own journey, I found that healing trauma was the key to getting greater clarity about my heart’s desires. When I was at my lowest point after witnessing a car bombing while working as a diplomat in the Balkans, I had no clarity whatsoever about my intentions. All I knew was that there was a still, small voice inside of me that demanded a life of greater authenticity. The pain of trying to be the character my ego had brilliantly created was too much to bear. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted (and could never in a million lifetimes have imagined the life I have today) but I was clear that I didn’t want to be who I had been til that point in my life anymore.
As world-renowned psychiatrist and trauma-expert, Bessel A. van der Kolk the author of The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma notes, trauma is a loss of imagination - and it’s incredibly important:
“Imagination is absolutely critical to the quality of our lives. Our imagination enables us to leave our routine everyday existence by fantasizing about travel, food, sex, falling in love, or having the last word—all the things that make life interesting. Imagination gives us the opportunity to envision new possibilities—it is an essential launchpad for making our hopes come true. It fires our creativity, relieves our boredom, alleviates our pain, enhances our pleasure, and enriches our most intimate relationships.”
Even if you start by getting clear on what you don’t want anymore, that can be enough to get you to make the changes that will bring more satisfaction to your life. Spend time outside in nature, explore art, join a group of like-minded folks with similar values, read children’s books, or whatever you can to spark your imagination to start including elements that might make your Wheel of Life rounder, fuller and more fulfilling.
The Bottom Line: There’s Good News
The bottom line is that, with the right kinds of intentions, accountability and support, you are far more likely to manifest the life you’ve always wanted. It might mean letting go of some old ideas and habits (like the way-overrated rugged individualism narrative that has harmed so many of us) but it is possible. Grab a pen and your journal and get started.
Ready to create your most resilient and intentional year yet in 2021? Get the motivation, accountability and support you need. Check out the Mastering Resilience Small Group Coaching Program with social justice pricing.