Three Tips for Coping with Transition Fatigue (Yet Again!)

Ever feel like there is way too much change going on in your life or the world? Like just when you get used to one big tsunami there’s another wave of transition coming right at you?

If you’ve been alive in 2021 in the U.S. certainly, you may be feeling this unending sense of anxiety and dread.

“What? Now we’re back to wearing masks again? They want us to come back to the office? I was just getting used to this working at home thing and I’m supposed to do what now? After all the juggling I just did, now I’ve got to maneuver it all around again? When the hell are things ever gonna just go back to normal?!?!”

I know plenty of folks who are making themselves sick and stressed because of the transition fatigue and overwhelm. They don’t have the right tools and information about how we work as human beings and they are burning out. 

Great news. It doesn’t have to be that way!

As someone who has adapted to and created a lot of change in my life, and who helps others do the same, trust me when I say this: not only can you ride out this phase of transition in your life, but you can learn the tools, skills and practices to help you be with change in a way that doesn’t make you overly stressed and sick in the coming weeks, months and years to come. 

‘Cuz guess what, dear one?

Change is here, it’s inevitable and it can be a really good thing. 

In this blog post, you’ll learn 3 things you can begin with right now to help you cope with transition fatigue and overwhelm.

1. Find ground

Remember old-fashioned cartoons? 

Where everything in the entire frame - the background, the farmhouse, the lake - is perfectly still except for Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck running around? When you watched that as a kid, you probably marveled at it and didn’t even notice that 95% of the screen wasn’t moving at all. 

That’s because we are wired to track changes and notice what is moving in our environment and visual field. When these changes happen at a pace our nervous systems can process, or within our window of tolerance, we are usually ok. 

But what happens when there are so many changes going on in your life and you don’t have the opportunity to process, assimilate and integrate them?  

That can be incredibly destabilizing and overwhelming. 

In fact, too many changes without enough stability can feel like chaos, and from a biological perspective that’s unequivocally true. 

(Plus they — even changes we like or have worked hard for - be terribly exhausting energetically, like a tax on the nervous system. So if that’s you, read on).

Trauma (or traumatic stress) can be defined as anything that overwhelms us and leaves us feeling helpless, hopeless or unable to respond. (Click here for a much more detailed explanation for understanding trauma). Too many changes in too short a period of time can qualify. If, for example, you experienced a job change, a significant change in health, the death of a beloved pet and a global pandemic in the span of a year or two like a beloved client of mine - in addition to all the regular life stressors like paying your bills, having relationships and taking care of your mental health - you shouldn’t be surprised to find yourself feeling overwhelmed. If you’ve had stressful situations growing up, you can multiply that impact by many fold.

So what can you do?

EXERCISE: Focus on what’s stable, unchanging and consistent right here, right now. 

For example, you could take a few moments to note everything that is grounding or solid for you right now. Maybe you can feel your bones, your heart beating or your breath - all elements that have been with you consistently since you were born. You could also bring your awareness to the chair, sofa or bed you are in right now, the ground beneath you, the stars and the moon in the sky above, or the predictable way your cat jumps on your lap the minute you try to get on a Zoom call. My private and group coaching clients know what a fan I am of also having daily and weekly self-care non-negotiables (something we talk about a lot) as the consistent elements in cultivating resilience. 

(Note: If you travel a lot or have an unpredictable work schedule, it’s even more important for you to take the time to get clarity on your daily non-negotiables, to communicate them when necessary to family and colleagues and to protect them fiercely. Mine include meditation, three meals a day, prayer, yoga, adequate sleep and connecting with my support system).

Now doing so won't necessarily affect the changes that are happening in your life. But it can very likely give you the shift in perspective that reminds you of all that you can count and rely on in this very moment. Even if you’ve had lots of disappointments or trying challenges in your life - as many of us have - by bringing your awareness to what is stable, unchanging and consistent right now, you’re giving yourself (and your resilient nervous system) a chance to recalibrate. 

2. Notice positive changes

Having lived in Europe for a good part of my life, I’ve always found it odd that Americans in general (warning: huge sweeping overgeneralization ahead!) are incredibly reluctant to talk about class and financial privilege. People are more likely to talk about their sex life than they are class and how it affects every area of our lives, including our mental health, relationships and well-being. 

But recently, I’ve noticed more conversations and discussions about class in mainstream audiences. When millions of people are strangled by student loan debt, often into the hundreds of thousands of dollars for people who are in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, it makes sense that more people are willing to talk about the implications of student loan debt on class mobility, status and the increasingly elusive dream of a middle class life.

That, in my opinion, is a very, very positive change in our culture. 

And that’s the second strategy I’d like to suggest you explore when you’re feeling overwhelmed by change: notice what has changed for the better in your life, community and the world around you because I promise you there is a lot.

EXERCISE: Identify and focus on positive changes

One simple way to do this is to set a timer for 5 minutes. When the timer goes off, you start writing a list (bullet points are fine) of all the things that are better today for you than they were at some point in the past. Maybe you don’t have a 3 hour commute into the city for work or you’re finally able to walk after a devastating accident that left you nearly paralyzed. Or maybe you got a new lovable little critter during the pandemic that greets you when you come home. Or maybe your arms are finally strong enough so you can do bakasana (crow pose) or date online without your self-esteem being dragged into the mud with every dud. 

Broaden it out if you like and focus on changes in your community or the world that are in a positive direction. Like the greater participation of women in the workforce or greater equity, diversity and inclusion in some environments. (Or the fact that most Americans with access to clean drinking water, electricity and health care live better than Louis XIV did when he was King of France!).

It’s important to keep in mind that, even while changes are happening that feel terribly uncomfortable - or are even devastating and incomplete in some cases - good can often come from them with your intention and attention. For example, maybe you were in a toxic and abusive relationship and made a commitment never again to date someone who isn’t self-aware and willing to do the work. While it might not have been fun getting there, your new and improved sense of self-esteem is a huge win. Taking stock of these wins regularly by training your mind to notice and savor them (click HERE for more on understanding the mind and the brain for non-neuroscientists) can be hugely beneficial and will serve you greatly.

3. Seek spiritual inspiration 

Because of the negativity bias we all have as part of our survival make-up, it takes conscious, consistent effort to focus on things that inspire us and give us hope. That might be in the religion of your childhood, yoga, recovery or any other type of grounded, embodied spirituality that lifts you up. 

The important things spirituality can offer us are both, (1) an understanding and acceptance of the impermanence of all phenomena and (2) a way of being reasonably comfortable with uncertainty (for more ideas about understanding your spirit, check this out). 

EXERCISE: Get plugged in spiritually 

Perhaps that means you spend some time reconnecting with the faith of your childhood, reading spiritual or inspiring books (like Peace from Anxiety from my teacher Hala Khouri), listening to podcasts, joining a faith community or a group that lets you see others making positive, inspiring changes in their lives. If resources are tight, recovery communities offer hope and inspiration to millions of people looking to live better lives free of addictive patterns (remember, addiction isn’t necessarily drugs or alcohol, but can be any pleasurable behavior -- scrolling social media, porn, shopping, food, exercise, overworking, etc -- that persists despite adverse consequences). For some people, going for a hike in nature might give you perspective. For others, being part of a social justice movement - a positive, life-affirming sense of belonging to something greater than yourself  - can be hugely beneficial. 

Now that you have some ideas for coping with transition fatigue and overwhelm, what comes next?

You might be thinking: 

Ok I get these strategies, they seem useful. But how do I do this in my real life?

This is precisely what folks in the Mastering Resilience Group Coaching Program do each week. There’s a lot of nuance to applying these strategies and tips in your life in ways that you can engage with consistently. Support is required for you to try different things on. And then there’s the importance of loving accountability, when you make and keep different commitments to your self-care in a compassionate, authentic group setting. 

Want to try it out?

Check out the upcoming Community Support Call: Tools for Coping with Transition Fatigue (Yet again!) on Tuesday, August 31st from 10-11:30 am Pacific. For more details and to register for this FREE call, click HERE. 

The bottom line?

Change is an inevitable part of life, as cliche as that sounds. 

The good news is that by implementing these strategies you can begin to cultivate a more-balanced and easeful relationship with it. Change might never be your favorite thing (after all we are creatures of habit, routine and ritual) but at least you can begin to move out of the stress of resistance and overwhelm.

And that is something to celebrate!

Join the upcoming Community Support Call: Tools for Coping with Transition Fatigue (Yet again!) on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021 from 10-11:30 am Pacific. The call is FREE to join but you must REGISTER HERE to attend.

Understanding the Body and Trauma (Part II)

If you’ve been alive in the U.S. during the last year, there is one word that you’ve probably heard more than you have at any other time in your life.

That word is trauma. 

Whether referring to the health, psychological or social impact of the coronavirus, the implications of children being out of school for months at a time, economic devastation to millions, the spike in mental health crises or the insurrection in the Capitol on January 6th, trauma is being talked, written and heard about more than ever.

But what exactly is trauma and what can we do about it?

In this blog post, part of a 3-part series which follows up on Understanding the Mind and Brain (Part I) we’ll explore what trauma is, why animals don’t experience trauma, what happens in humans, and what makes the difference in our ability to cope with and heal from trauma. 

What is trauma?

The word trauma comes from the Greek word for wound. 

In many ways, our psychic wounds are similar to physical wounds, according to Dr. Gabor Mate, author of When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection.

When a physical wound is open, it is raw and extremely sensitive. If you touch it even slightly, you experience intense pain. We’ve all had this experience of being tender and exceptionally vulnerable in this way. Even the smallest contact with this wound is practically unbearable.

When a physical wound heals, scar tissue forms. That tissue is hard and rigid. It is inflexible. It allows nothing to permeate it. 

Our psychic wounds are much the same. 

When we experience trauma, we are extremely sensitive to even a feather’s touch of an experience like the one that hurt us. We cannot bear the agony of even the smallest bit of contact. We become easily triggered by anything even remotely related to the original incident. 

In other places, we become rigid and hard. 

We become inflexible, unreachable even. We let nothing new in, not even resources that might be helpful in some way. So firm and inflexible is our defensiveness. 

In other words, in one way, our psyche lacks balance and moderation. Addicts all recognize this dynamic. And if we’ve experienced trauma, chances are that we are addicts. If addiction is defined as any behavior - shopping, scrolling social media, drinking, overworking, eating, whatever we do to temporarily numb the pain - that persists despite repeated adverse consequences, you can see how most of us are addicts of one sort or another.

And what is the remedy for addiction? It’s not abstinence. It’s connection.

Furthermore, trauma isn’t just what happens. It’s also the absence of what should have happened. 

But there is a way in which our physical wounds and our psychic wounds differ broadly. Our psychic wounds can fully heal. They can be gently, patiently, compassionately healed. 

The medicine? Connection.

Connection with the self and compassionate witnesses, nature, spirit, creativity, art and more.

It is the drive for connection that is the wisdom of trauma. The most important connection being the one with ourselves. 

Trauma is also anything that overwhelms our capacity to cope and leaves us feeling helpless, hopeless or unable to respond. Importantly, trauma lies in the person, and not in the event. Its effects are cumulative. 

There are several types of trauma. 

Shock trauma is things like natural disasters, war zone experiences, man made disasters, sexual assaults, acts of terrorism, acts of violence (including school shootings), child abuse, death of loved ones, major car accidents, and physical trauma. We often hear these referred to as “Big T” traumas. This is what returning veterans have to contend with for years after returning from combat, for example.

There is also what is often called “little t” trauma which includes relational and developmental trauma, such as lack of parental attunement in childhood, betrayal, sexual harassment and divorce. This category also includes things like dog bites, dental procedures, routine surgeries, falls, minor car accidents. 

Finally there is systemic trauma, such as racism, sexism, homelessness, homophobia, transphobia, ableism and other forms of oppression. 

To reiterate, once again the effects of trauma are cumulative. 

Let’s see how this shows up. 

For example, when I witnessed a man being killed by a terrible car bombing when I worked in the Balkans the impact on me was significant. Most people would acknowledge this as a serious shock trauma. But what ultimately determined the impact of that shock trauma in my life for many years wasn’t the bombing. It was the cumulative effect of the developmental and systemic trauma I had experienced as a child that combined with the shock trauma which was so devastating.

Because in the car with me the night of that bombing in Belgrade was another diplomat, my friend Irini. While she was shaken up a bit by the event, she was able to get back to work and business as usual almost immediately. What had been a limit event for my nervous system, which had already been severely taxed in childhood, for her was just an unfortunate but ultimately minor event in her life. 

This, too, is an extremely important point to keep in mind. 

You might have had a breakup or divorce which devastated you for years, for example, while your best friend from college got divorced and was dating again in a matter of weeks. To reiterate, because trauma is in the person and not the event, however, we might see perhaps that your traumatic breakup took place shortly after your father died, your dog got sick and you lost your job, already placing enormous demands on your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual resources. 

Why animals don’t experience trauma

To understand how trauma is experienced by humans, it’s helpful to look at what happens in animals in the wild. Despite going through the harrowing experiences we’ve all seen on the Nature channel, why is it that animals in the wild can be chased, hunted, attacked, and threatened without becoming traumatized? 

My teacher Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing and author of Waking the Tiger, offers some important clues. 

Imagine a small deer in a sunny meadow. The deer is peacefully munching on grass when it hears a noise. The deer instinctively lifts its head up, perks up its ears and orients to the sound. Its neck, face and eyes turn toward the disturbance while its heart begins to pump faster, flooding its arms and legs with blood preparing it to fight off a predator or flee if necessary. Its sympathetic (alert) nervous system has been activated. Based on millions of years of evolution that have honed its instincts, the animal quickly discerns that the sound was benign - maybe that of a twig snapping - and without missing a beat, goes back to grazing. Within moments, its heart rate goes back to normal and blood leaves the large muscle groups of the legs and arms and moves once again to the digestive system and central organs. The parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) system of the body is activated once again and all is well. 

But let’s say the deer turns and hears that the noise in the bushes maybe isn’t benign but is presenting a threat. 

What happens next?

In this case, once again the deer orients to the sound and its sympathetic nervous system becomes activated. It senses that maybe there is a threat. Immediately the deer’s instinctual response system assesses whether the sound is more like that of a small gopher, which it can easily fight off if necessary, or if it is a more fierce and faster predator, perhaps a cheetah. If it’s a smaller animal, the deer will fight it off and survive. It will use its life-saving capacity for healthy aggression and will actually feel more vital, energized and alive by protecting itself with the fight response. 

Once again, no trauma results here. 

But what if the deer senses that a cheetah caused the disturbance? An animal that is a natural predator and is both larger and faster than the small buck? What happens next?

In this case, the deer will instinctively begin to flee the scene and a chase sequence begins. The buck will run and run as quickly as it can to get away from the deadly and ferocious predator. It runs as fast as it can, but there is no way it can escape the feline. The cheetah gets closer and closer as they run, literally, for life or death across the savannah. 

As the deer continues to lose its lead on the great cat, it becomes clear that its strategy of fleeing and running away will not save him. He cannot outrun the cheetah and knows that, unless something extraordinary happens, it will almost certainly soon feel the steely jaws of the cheetah ripping into its flesh. 

Instinctively the deer once again changes its survival strategy. It could not fight the bigger cat and it can’t flee from it. So the deer takes one more shot at survival and employs its final strategy.

Let’s see what happens.  

As the cheetah gets closer and closer, suddenly the deer stops running and abruptly falls over as if dead on the plain. The deer knows that freezing in this way (playing possum, as it were) offers two potential life-affirming benefits.

First, by freezing, the deer’s physiology shuts down and produces powerful pain-relieving hormones, literally the same substances as opioids. In the event the cheetah does catch up to him and its powerful jaws clamp the prey’s flesh, the pain will be dulled. Secondly, because cheetah and other predators aren’t scavengers and won’t eat animals they haven’t killed, the feline might see the deer lying down and think it’s dead. With some luck, what might even happen is that the cheetah sniffs around at the deer, determines it’s dead and decides to walk away and leave the scene. At that point, once the coast is clear, the deer will get up, unscathed from the encounter.

The most interesting thing you'll see though is what happens after the deer gets up.

Once it’s determined it is in a safe enough place, the deer will begin to shake, tremble and take some deep spontaneous breaths. Remember before the deer stopped racing it was going incredibly fast, perhaps speeds of more than 30 miles per hour. An enormous amount of life force energy was moving through its body, as if the gas pedal was to the metal. Going into a sudden freeze response in this way is akin to slamming on the breaks. Imagine how much energy would be spent in your car if both the gas and the brakes were slammed down at the same time. There would be a huge expenditure of energy, or revving, but zero forward or backward movement. By getting up and spontaneously shaking, trembling and breathing deeply, the deer’s nervous system is reset and it goes back to doing its deer-thing. No trauma results. 

What happens in humans 

Obviously in more ways than we commonly acknowledge, we are much like animals in the wild, especially when it comes to our survival strategies. You might recall using some or all of these strategies yourself. 

So what is it that animals are doing differently that we aren’t? And why is that?

Like animals, we, too, have the natural impulse to discharge overwhelming experiences. But in humans, our egos often get in the way. We don’t want to look weird shaking in the middle of the grocery store when our kid is acting wild. We don’t want to allow ourselves to tremble and cry at work when we get a call that our mom’s diagnosis isn’t good. After all, we don’t want people to think we’re unprofessional or called hysterical, a judgment that often gets hurled at anyone expressing even the slightest hint of emotional energy in corporate work environments. And especially if we are from marginalized and oppressed communities that are already considered threatening in certain shame-based environments in dominant culture, we certainly don’t want to express ourselves for fear of further alienation, ridicule, job losses and even death.

So instead what do we do? 

In what leading trauma-expert Bessel Van Der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, calls “the post-alcoholic culture” of modern America, we drink, drug, eat, obsess, shop, overwork, have compulsive sex and do whatever else we can to cope with that unprocessed energy. 

What makes the difference?  Education and Resources. 

What, then, is the path to preventing or healing from trauma? Is that even possible? 

The answer is a resounding yes. 

It is possible to prevent symptoms associated with trauma such as anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, sleep disorders, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and others from developing by endeavoring to give ourselves the time, space and permission to discharge these powerful life force energies. Understanding how your body and trauma work is an incredibly important part of the process and one of the most important resources to have in your toolkit. Knowing this about how we work can help not only you, but your children, spouse, friends and colleagues to prevent post traumatic stress from happening. The cliche “knowledge is power” really does sum it up.

But that’s not all.

Our access to resources is one of the biggest determinants of whether and how we will experience trauma in our lives. 

This is a key point to consider.

Resources are both internal and external. An internal resource might be knowing you have overcome similarly challenging experiences in your life and have survived. It could be your faith. It could be a yoga, prayer or meditation practice. It could be an image or memory of a loving pet or grandparent that loved you unconditionally. 

Inner resources are incredibly powerful as they can never be taken from you. They are also widely available to marginalized and oppressed communities that may also be suffering from a lack of external resources.

For most people, external resources are also necessary to help us cope with and resolve trauma once difficult events occur. External resources could be compassionate friends, family, therapists, coaches, healers, nature, plant medicines, financial resources to help pay for therapy, a 12-step community, yoga class or teacher, a pet that gives you unconditional love and affection, art, music, even essential oils and certain smells. Almost anything life-affirming can be an external resource. 

Trauma is a Fact of Life, But it Doesn’t Have to Be A Life Sentence

While trauma is a fact of life, as Dr. Levine says, it doesn't have to be a life sentence. 

In an upcoming blog post, I’ll share with you specific simple practices you can do to begin the process of feeling more self-regulated and resilient to trauma. 

Mastering resilience to stress, anxiety and trauma to have a more meaningful impact in the world is possible and more necessary than ever. Understanding how your body and trauma work can be hugely helpful on your path to doing so. 

Want to create your most resilient and intentional year yet in 2021? Get the motivation, accountability and support you need. Check out the Mastering Resilience Small Group Coaching Program with social justice pricing. Applications are now being accepted.